“When you lose your way, find your way back. When you stumble and fall, get right back up.
Stand in the awe of you.
You are powerful.
You are still here.
Fight that fight.
Call on your fortitude.
Strength is within you.
Feel the embers of your soul rise up.
The beat of your own drum.
It is loud.
Feel it pulse through your body.
You are still here.
You are present.
You are you.
Take the next step.”
That’s my daily manifesto. Something that I had to call upon to get back on that horse. The last time I felt this strong and free was when I was in my family’s hometown in Mexico. It was summer, before 5th grade. A vacation I’ll never forget.
Why you may ask?
It was the last time I would ever feel normal again. See society at that time took a look at people like me in disgust.
I knew it then.
I would hear many male and female relatives make jokes or comments. To me they were not nice. Mean for sport. Cruel. Hateful. Hurtful. Sometimes the sound created a well inside me. An overtaking sense of rush. Unsteadiness. Vertigo at times. Woah!
How did I know?
I finally learned to speak and understand Spanish. (Yes it wasn’t my first language. Shocking!) Words and catch phrases. Even music & song. The language made sense. I still know Catholic Church service, front to back, in Spanish. I was raised Catholic. That is what my relatives believe in. It was something I studied.
There were cultural and religious factors all around me. Every single day. Then there was society as well. I grew up in the suburbs of Ventura County. A place that is still growing and adjusting to the many colorful illuminating people of the world.
At the very moment I became aware of attraction, sex and life. All of ‘that’ time to now. I’ve been healing my heart, mind and soul. Even while being a parent. Life is a continuous journey while experiencing the ebb and flow of it. I’ve been processing and processing and processing. I’ve never stopped learning.
Knowledge has brought me to the boy who rode that horse through the birthplace of his own ancestry and family. A trip. A respite. For me it was my evolution. Out of that case what?
A boy who would never ever let anyone judge him.
A boy who would be loved.
A boy who would be held.
A boy who would surprise every single one of you.
I’m that boy again. I’m him. He is me. Here I am. Back to my roots.